The Great Sochi Ruse
TIL: The Winter Olympics are happening… right now… in Sochi, Krasnodar Krai, Russia.
Well, OK, I knew the next Olympics were in Sochi, and that they were going to be happening soon. Mostly because of the massive amount of whining the media was doing just because their hotels weren’t “completed, functioning, livable buildings.” Case in point:
So really, I just didn’t know the games actually kicked off today.
But I began wondering, after reading some of the stories about yellow water, no water, dangerous water, and non-water related vexations… could this be something more insidious. The Russians hate Americans, Americans like laughing at the Russians. And with a history or cold wars and spying between the two countries, why couldn’t this “unpreparedness” have another layer.
And then my suspicions were confirmed:
Cameras in the showers. Boom. They’re watching the American journalists. Bam. They’re messing with us.
A little bit of sleuthing, a mild level of hacking, and 15 minutes later, I found the following transcript between two Russian agents in a secret room, right within one of the hotels the American journalists are staying at.
***** begin transcript *****
Boris: And so I said to her, “I’ve got something right here I’ll Putin ya…”
Ivan: Good one, good joke *laughs* Oh, quiet, that reporter is back in her room. … She’s going to the sink. Quick! Switch it to kerosene.
Ivan: Good. Oh, look, she’s looking at the glass. *laugh* I hope she drinks it.
Boris: Shit, she’s reaching for the phone. Quick, hand it to me!
Boris (using poor done Hispanic, female voice): Hola, room service. … Hmm? Oh si, the water? Oh si, it is working now, yes. Is fine, um, but just don’t *stiffled chuckle* use it on your face. Goodbye. /phone clicks/
Ivan & Boris: *laughing loudly*
Ivan: Ooo, look, she’s taking a picture with her phone. I bet she’s going to tweet it. … Oh, da, she did, look, right here. Oh man, she called it “dangerous face water.”
Ivan & Boris: *laughing*
Boris: Stupid Americans and their tweetings.
Ivan: Da. Say, why did you pretend to be a hispanic woman on the phone.
Boris: Oh, it’s what they expect when calling room service.
Ivan: Stupid Americans.
Boris: Stupid Americans.
Ivan: Shh, quiet, that Journal of Wall Street guy is going to sleep. I’m going to go tell Boris to “accidentally” get booked in the same room and walk in on him sleeping.
Boris: But I’m Boris.
Ivan: Nyet, not you. Other Boris. Creepy Boris.
Boris: Ohhhh, da, nice. Dude is creepy. We need more than two first names for men in this country.
Ivan: Well, there is Vladimir.
Boris: WHAT? WHERE?!
Ivan: Nye nye, as a name. Other than Boris or Ivan, there’s Vladimir. Calm down, you’re paranoid with this whole spying thing.
Boris: Da, you’re right.
UNKNOWN THIRD VOICE ON INTERCOM: You two, shut up, get back to work.
Ivan & Boris: Uhuh, yes sir!
UNKNOWN THIRD VOICE ON INTERCOM: And Boris, your joke wasn’t funny.
***** end transcript *****