Fantasy Sports That Should Exist
And so we come to that time of year where I find myself inexplicably involved in Fantasy Football. This will be my third season and, for those not keeping track, here’s a quick recap.
- My first fantasy football season found me showing up to the draft with 6 players written on a post-it note, an attempt to draft Larry Fitzgerald… three times (he was available none of these attempts), drafting most of the Colts offensive line (unplanned), and ending the season in 2nd place overall.
- Last season I ended near the bottom of the league, but that might have had something to do with failing to remember to set my line-up… repeatedly. I also gave too much weight to the “Hey, I’ve heard of that guy” factor when picking up players.
- So far this season, I managed to draft two tight ends (which I’m determined to somehow prove was a good idea… or figure out the perfect double entendre for) and mispronounced the name of a solid half of the guys I picked. It’s going pretty well.
In my defense, Fantasy Football is a scam. If it wants to live up to its name, I should be able to draft a team that not only includes Larry Fitzgerald but also Chewbacca, Aragorn, Hercules (or maybe Xena, she’d have a wicked spiral), and, oh I don’t know, let’s throw in Falkor as well. Unstoppable. And if that scope of options is a bit too broad, I’d at least appreciate it if available players included Canadian Football, Futbol, and Aussie rules leagues.
Still, this whole Fantasy Football racket seems to be somewhat successful and popular, so I doubt there’s much chance I could affect any significant change. But it does suggest that this “fantasy” genre could be expanded to other contests of “skill”.
Fantasy Fantasy Football
You’ve seen it on TV or in movies… or in real life. People take Fantasy Football really damn seriously. And everyone you know is involved in a league, or two… or five. So let’s chart and track our friends like some sort of feral pack of beer drinking monkeys. We get a half-dozen picks, each pick indicate a person and which of the many leagues the person is in. So you can have John Smith in his work league and I can still pick John Smith in his chess team’s league. Points awarded for winning weekly match-ups in the specific league, if your pick achieves more than his/her projected points, and how emasculated your pick feels at the end of each week.
Fantasy Roller Derby
Really, I just enjoy Roller Derby, especially now that I understand what’s actually going on and realize there are rules, points, fouls, etc. And the women that compete in it always make me nervous… but kind of in a good way. Guys roller derby is boring and we’ll treat it like everyone else does and ignore it. Fantasy Roller Derby would also help with the one thing I’m still bad at; tracking players and seeing why certain ones are purportedly better than others. In theory, Fantasy sports are intended to solve that issue. Points awarded for jammers scoring, blockers knocking others down, a pivot’s team successfully stopping the other team from scoring points, and negative points for fouls. This will be a bit of work to organize and run, but if any sport has dedicated fans, it’s Roller Derby.
This one is probably a bit location and time-of-year dependent. Since it currently is Fall in Minnesota, growing beards is pretty the past time of half my friends. (Side note: Fuck them.) But maybe this way I and others would care a bit more about the general bearding up of the population since there is a niche of us out there that can’t reasonably grow our own nor do we succumb to what can only be described as “beard lust” (you know who you are). Points awarded for length, width, ability to hold items placed inside of it, frost accumulation tests (weather dependent), and styling/grooming.
I would also be open to this spinning off into other seasonal personal grooming trends. For example, Summer could be Fantasy Tan Line Reduction, as your picks bake away their personality to be ready for reduced-clothing weather.
Eh… actually, nevermind. Wait, what?! This already exists? Ugh, gross.
Either you’re paired off (i.e. boring) or you are single and a bit of a social voyeur. Either way, this idea could work exceptionally well since there are layers of nuance to consider. Points could be awarded for 2nd dates (or 3rd, 4th, etc.), by which date holding hands occurs, or the first kiss, or getting lucky. Your league could even debate and award points based on quality/style of dates. A dinner date that week might net you two points. If the date includes a giant trampoline warehouse, maybe that’s worth 10. If your pick and their date end up handcuffed to each other, calling friends at 3 AM to try and get bus fare back from two states over, ehhhh, 15 points. When making your picks, you’d have to balance things like who dates around versus taking each date seriously. Are they on internet dating sites? Are they uncanny at establishing themselves in the “friend zone”? Could they be closet homosexual (or closet heterosexual… that’s a thing, right?)? On the plus side, your friends will probably find what you’re doing endearing. At least until they find out who you traded them for the week prior.