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How to Make the Best of Daylight Savings

March 15, 2011

The proposal for daylight savings time (sources point to Benjamin Franklin with the initial proposal… though he probably stole the idea from some lesser known, colonial sucker) sure was and attempt to create a legacy that kicked Americans in the crotch for centuries to come.

Here, here.  This spring period, all types of life are afforded a rebirth and ever freshening of countenance and virility.  Tis a favrourable time of year, for truth?  Well, pardon, but we shall just see about that.  Let us remove one hour of this pleasant time.  And, what for now, take and add that hour to autumn, when the earth is shriveling up and dying, not unlike my soul and the nether areas of my body.  We can call it Daylight Savings and anyone who raises voice against it will sound like a vampire.  Once further more, twill render into chaos the sleep schedules of all those in the working class whilst I afford to sit back and partake in opium and salacious acts with my fairer slaves.  Huzzah.

-B. Franklin, Esq.

Well complete historical accuracy aside, I’ve dug deep into the well of optimism to figure out 5 ways that this round of DST time shifting can be a good thing.

  1. Work a weekend third shift during.  2:00 AM is for graveyard robbers, vagabonds, train riding hobos and other jobs with a similar needs for productivity at all hours.  Not only do you get that hour cut our of your shift, but working both third shift and on a weekend is mega-bonus overtime pay.  Even better if you’re not paid hourly, because then your easy shift pays the same as it always does.
  2. Fight fire with fire and head one time zone west.  Skip ahead one hour just to go somewhere an hour behind is a push, my friend.  And line up the time changes by taking a red eye flight, which is sure to be cheap(er), slightly less crowded, and slightly closer to on-time than the average flight these days.  It’s up to you to figure out the reason (“From MN to NM, because it’s warmer and similarly abbreviated”).
  3. Brag to all your middle school friends about how you stayed up till 3 in the morning.  They’ll be impressed and care, but only because they’re really lame.
  4. Drive as fast as you want without worrying about the cops.  See that red area on your speedometer?  Ever wonder what happens there?  Now’s your chance to find out.  Simply find a gas station near a flat stretch of road.  Gas up at exactly 1:59 AM, head out, and give it for all it’s got (safely, of course).  When you get pulled over two miles down the road, present the officer with your receipt and ask “How could I have been going 163 mph?  It’s taken me over an hour to go just a couple miles.”
  5. Satisfy your woman.  For some people, two minutes isn’t enough.  These people are called women and they are demanding.  But now’s your chance to be known for lasting a full hour and change.  It’s just a matter of timing.  For those with extra ambition, shoot for one hour, 3 minutes and 53 seconds.  Here’s your timer:

It’s too late for this year, but, hey, the next kick is less than a year away.

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From → random musing

One Comment
  1. Dan permalink

    I’d recommend Arizona. You’ll actually end up with an extra extra hour.

    Also, what do you do with the other 2 minutes and 53 seconds? That’s for composing yourself from all the crying, right?

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